A shift happened in my heart during church this morning; a shift toward God and away from myself. A little background information might be needed before I explain this shift.
For the last three months I have felt more lonely, more ugly, more worthless and inconvenient than I can remember feeling since I became a Christian. Satan has been constantly whispering lies in my ear, loudly enough that it has been easy to believe him. I have lain in bed countless nights soaking my pillow with tears of sorrow. I have been so afraid, so scared to tell anyone how I feel. I'm afraid that they will consider it stupid, something to just get over, to deal with and move on. It doesn't feel that way to me. It feels suffocating and consuming. I can be sitting in the middle of a room filled with people and still feel alone and grotesque. I love my friends and trust them so much, but I've been so afraid because I know they'll find all of this stupid.
So my shift is this: I'm sick of this. I'm sick of hiding from myself and from God. I'm not naive enough to assume that sun is going to start shining tomorrow. I am however ready to look for it. I'm ready to let God begin to disperse the clouds that have covered me. I'm ready to look to the Hills and find my Helper.

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Confident

I've been reading the gospel of John recently and I've come to a conclusion. For some this might sound like a "Duh!" moment, but for me it really gave me pause to think. Jesus was completely confident in God. He didn't simply have faith, or obey because that was the right thing to do; he was confident in who God was. There was a fully-God part of Jesus that lived and moved on this earth. There was also a fully-man part as well. This part of Jesus' character believed and trusted every word God said to him. When he talked to others about his Father, he did so with pride and confident and certainty. I don't know what to do with this conclusion yet; I'm still processing this and how it applies to my own journey with the Father.