A shift happened in my heart during church this morning; a shift toward God and away from myself. A little background information might be needed before I explain this shift.
For the last three months I have felt more lonely, more ugly, more worthless and inconvenient than I can remember feeling since I became a Christian. Satan has been constantly whispering lies in my ear, loudly enough that it has been easy to believe him. I have lain in bed countless nights soaking my pillow with tears of sorrow. I have been so afraid, so scared to tell anyone how I feel. I'm afraid that they will consider it stupid, something to just get over, to deal with and move on. It doesn't feel that way to me. It feels suffocating and consuming. I can be sitting in the middle of a room filled with people and still feel alone and grotesque. I love my friends and trust them so much, but I've been so afraid because I know they'll find all of this stupid.
So my shift is this: I'm sick of this. I'm sick of hiding from myself and from God. I'm not naive enough to assume that sun is going to start shining tomorrow. I am however ready to look for it. I'm ready to let God begin to disperse the clouds that have covered me. I'm ready to look to the Hills and find my Helper.

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Confident

I've been reading the gospel of John recently and I've come to a conclusion. For some this might sound like a "Duh!" moment, but for me it really gave me pause to think. Jesus was completely confident in God. He didn't simply have faith, or obey because that was the right thing to do; he was confident in who God was. There was a fully-God part of Jesus that lived and moved on this earth. There was also a fully-man part as well. This part of Jesus' character believed and trusted every word God said to him. When he talked to others about his Father, he did so with pride and confident and certainty. I don't know what to do with this conclusion yet; I'm still processing this and how it applies to my own journey with the Father.

Food for Thought

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.

~Nathaniel Hawthorne

Hope

What would the body of Christ look like if every woman could grasp her worth in God? What would the Church look like if Eve's daughters began to realize that the Creator of the Universe delights in them? What if the hearts of women, rather than being ravaged by the world, were allowed to flourish under the nourishment of Jesus? How deeply and thoroughly our world would be changed.

This world is a harsh place filled will wounded and broken souls. That is a well-known fact attested to by anyone who has ever had their heart hurt. The Church talks of these hurting souls often. They need saved. We need to convert them. We need to love them to Jesus. This is all well and good, but what about the hurting souls walking around within the Church? Who reaches out to them? Who loves them? The Church is suppose to be a structure built on love, trust, and authenticity. Instead members put on their best masks while hiding their deepest wounds. Rather than risking rejection by reaching out, they hide their bleeding hearts in private worlds of darkness. Satan must celebrate as he watches followers of Jesus Christ fear each other.
Can we offer something priceless to each other? Can we as believers begin to offer hope of a better, freer life?

Shame

Shame. I have become quite well aquainted with Shame over the last six months. He has become my constant companion. We have spent countless hours together, getting to know each other intimately. It seems he has become my closest friend, invading every aspect of my life. He knows my thoughts, he can read my emotions, he even controls my sleep patterns. Not a day goes by where we don't spend at least a little bit of time together.
Not anymore. After months of existing with this best friend of mine, I've decided to get rid of him. I have not benefited in anyway from this relationship and find it unhealthy to remain here. I have forgotten what it is like to enjoy other people, to laugh for the sake of laughing, to smile at simple things in God's creation. Shame has crowded those things out of my life, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I don't want him anymore and I am deciding today that he will no longer walk with me through life.